In these times of COVID-19

I thought I would share the most insightful article written by Samantha Levy, MFT, a colleague who I am honored to have working with me at Schneider Psychology Group. As you can see I don’t often post on this site or on social media, but I felt compelled to share what Samantha wrote as it really resonates. She shares some of her personal experiences during this pandemic that we are experiencing and offers some of her wisdom on how to cope emotionally and spiritually with what we are confronting. I am so touched by what she wrote and so grateful to have her as a collaborator, colleague and friend. This truly inspires me. - Jennifer

By Samantha Levy, MFT

You do you, boo. You're doing great. 

People are asking me how I keep my shit together while trying to help other people keep their shit together. Simple answer: I don’t. Not always. That would be impossible. I think it would be a huge disservice, to both myself and everyone else, to not be transparent about my truth. Do you think one becomes a therapist and is immune to sadness? Anxiety? Loneliness? Suffering? Fuck, if that was the case, I would have signed up for this career a lot sooner!

What’s different about my experience now (as opposed to when I was sick, or even a few years into my recovery), what keeps me mostly grounded and grateful, is that I’ve got tools. Lots of ‘em. I have a spiritual practice, one that is flexible and forgiving—spirituality can mean different things on different days, and certainly different things to different people. I have community and connection. I actively seek, on a daily basis—sometimes, especially now, on an hour by hour basis—for what is working, rather than focusing my energy and attention on what’s not. I turn my mind toward acceptance of things that I find nearly impossible to accept. I LAUGH. Really, really hard. Some days I just let the stinky residue of this situation wash over me and sit with it for a little while. No shame in my game.

Some of those reading this don’t need me to humanize myself. Many know me on a more intimate level and know how oh-so-human I am. But for those who don’t, I think it’s important to lift the veil. You are not alone in this experience of struggle. We are all in this together, and we will all get through it together.

And ya know what?

It SUCKS. Like big S-U-C-K sucks. And you feel that suck, boo. You cry and scream and vent and complain if that’s what’s coming up for you today. And it can be over your shitty looking unmanicured fingernails, your potentially cancelled senior prom or the fear that an ill loved one may die alone. All are perfectly fair reasons to feel sad. It blew my mind when I read in Dr. Edith Eger’s, The Choice: Embrace the Impossible (both the first and best book I read in 2019), that “there is no hierarchy of suffering”. This is a woman who survived the Holocaust, living in Auschwitz and sharing a board of wood as a bed with 7+ girls night after night…after night. Freezing, starving, unsure of whether or not she’d ever see her mom, dad or middle sister again. And she boldly states that there is no hierarchy of suffering. Preach, Edith, preach.

Another important reminder: As long as you are not hurting yourself or someone else, there is no wrong way to “do” quarantine. Please stop judging yourself. For all you Momma’s out there (and Pops): are you loving on your littles? Are you feeding them and bathing them every now and again? Awesome. You’ve got this. For all those single folks out there: are you still actively trying to connect? Doing your best to use contrary action and reach out to the loves in your life that you do have, even if it’s not a romantic partner? Cool. You’ve got this. Couples: are you doing your best to respect your partners space (“your best” is a very broad term in these times)? Are you checking in with one another? Doing what you can to honor the tough shit your significant other may be experiencing even on days ya don’t wanna hear it? Are you venting to friends so you don’t lose your shit and leave (gentle warning: there really isn’t anywhere to go…)? Good job. You’ve got this. Are you on your 3rd day straight of a Netflix free-for-all? Meditating till you elevate? Taking your 10th walk of the day? Zoomin’ up a storm? Amazing job! You’re doing great.

And guess what? If you’re not doing any of the above (but still not hurting yourself or someone else), you’ve got this, too. This is not a time to judge ourselves (there truly never is). This not a time to push, prod or force anything—at all. Not one damn thing. Let yourself have space to Just Be.

Guess what? I am NOT going to come out of this pandemic as a professional cook or puzzle put-together-er (the second of which does not strongly appeal to me, but still). And guess what else? I am going to drop the judgment around this. I am going to Just Be. I am going to do the things I love that feed my soul, knowing that cooking will happen when I do this very simple (but not easy, least for me) thing: I get in the goddamn kitchen and cook.

I felt inclined to write. I felt inclined to share. Looking back on my notes and thoughts, the outcome looks somewhat different than I had anticipated. I think it is a reflection of the messiness of what is right now. My intention is simply to let you know you are not alone (ever), that honoring your experience without judgment is strongly encouraged and to hopefully make you giggle a little. Life feels very serious right now. We need at least one hardy laugh party per day, even if we are the only one in attendance.

I read a wonderful quote Sunday morning in Meditations from the Mat: “The obstacles in our path are the path.”

Yes. Big yes to that. What’s say we embrace the impossible together—weeping, laughing, venting, connecting, breathing and just being.

Upcoming Talk on That Empty Place Inside

Please don't miss our upcoming talk at Torrance Memorial Hospital on treating clients with eating disorders and addictions. 

Why mindfulness is essential for anxiety, depression, and any other negative emotion

By Amy Kim, PsyD

Mindfulness, or the practice of paying attention to the present moment in a nonjudgmental and compassionate way, is essential for reducing feelings of worry, tension, sadness, and irritability. Why? Because feelings are more than just what you feel---underlying every emotion is a thought, physiological sensation, and accompanying behavior that drives that feeling. The practice of mindfulness helps a person to become aware of what exactly is contributing to or maintaining uncomfortable or painful feelings.

While the term mindfulness has been popularized in our culture and the field of psychology, I think the word awareness better captures what it means to be mindful. To be present or mindful, you need to first be aware—aware of internal and external senses and experiences, including thoughts, feelings, perceptions, and behaviors that may be keeping you from being fully present, whether you are with a lover, friend, or by yourself, and no matter what you are doing, whether sitting in front of a computer, spending time with family, moving your body, or eating. Being aware gives you freedom to simply be, rather than allowing each moment to be hijacked by every whim, emotion, thought, or perceived pressure to do.

Eckhart Tolle has beautifully demonstrated that all you have is this moment. Life is comprised of one moment after another moment, ad infinitum, and your life is never not this moment right now. So if you are missing the richness of this moment, then you are missing your life. People have tendencies that obstruct their ability to be present and it’s important to become aware of the habits that rob you of the richness of each moment (or your life!). Therapy can help a person to develop awareness of patterns that not only feed anxiety or sadness, but keep a person from fully living. Awareness is quite magical, in that simply bringing awareness to something immediately dissipates its intensity and power over you. And in that moment, you have the choice of whether to follow that pull for your attention. You can choose what you direct your attention to, and there is no better choice than to direct your attention to this moment in its fullness. Only then are you actually living.

The Perfect Myth: Five Reasons Why Perfectionism is Your Worst Enemy

By Julia Baird, PsyD

We often receive the message that perfectionism is strength, an indication of strong character, and something we should all aspire to. These messages are misguided at best, often downright delusional.  In truth, perfectionism can be debilitating. Perfectionism is often a significant contributing factor to the development of disorders such as social anxiety, depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, eating disorders, and personality disorders. Listed below are five reasons why perfectionism can be your worst enemy.

There’s no such thing as perfect. Perfect doesn’t actually exist. So when you set out to attain something unattainable, guess what? You’re going to fail. And then you will be disappointed. You will be disappointed in yourself and disappointed in everyone else who failed to live up to your outlandish expectations. You end up disheartened, frustrated, and feeling as though you have nothing good, and no one, good enough for you. Now that is depressing.

Perfectionism leads to low-esteem. Perfectionists focus on what’s wrong, they don’t see what’s right. Or they may even say that right is wrong, or up is down, or good is bad. Whatever, you get the gist. It’s all black and white thinking.  Which means that if things aren’t good, then they have to be bad. And this includes the way they perceive themselves. Perfectionists don’t seem to understand that we are all multi-faceted and flawed and wonderful and complicated…and far from perfect.  And that’s what makes us unique, lovable, and most importantly, able to love ourselves

Perfectionism keeps you from growing. C.S. Lewis said “Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.” I think C.S. was on to something here. Perfectionists can’t tolerate failures, mistakes, rebuffs, or any of the very experiences that are vital to our growth and development. In fact, perfectionists often find ways to avoid these experiences, which only makes things worse in the long run. Especially when they begin to realize that while they were busy hiding, all the imperfect people of the world were making mistakes, falling down, picking themselves up, and living life. Let’s face it, life is full of disappointments, rejections, and otherwise unfavorable circumstances… there’s no way around it. So get used to it

Perfectionism sucks the joy out of life. Perfectionists have a hard time enjoying the natural eb and flow of life, which makes it such an enchanting journey to begin with. It’s difficult to really enjoy life when all you see is flaws and feel compelled to change them. It seems perfectionists are missing the boat here. Life is about the challenges we face, the relationships that turn our worlds upside down, and the very human experiences that reveal our vulnerabilities... this is where we find true joy and connection.

Perfectionism blocks creativity. This one is the most insidious of them all. Perfectionism has a way of destroying our ability to think creatively. In this case, perfectionism takes the form of the relentless inner critic, tearing apart ideas before they come to fruition, hijacking our thought processes, and robbing us of the very capacities that could otherwise lead to greatness. Exaggeration? I don’t think so. Creativity is responsible for our successes in business, science, education, art, literature, theater, dance... everything that moves us and in turn, inspires us to move others.

“Ring the bells that still can ring

Forget your perfect offering

There is a crack in everything

That’s how the light gets in. “

- Leonard Cohen